remember that all the days that follow tomorrow will be lighter.

may you be freer in your body, easier in your judgment, more hopeful in your breath.

Holidays are a hard time; if one person sets a boundary of health, others typically respond with hurt and confusion.  When it happens, suck it up and talk, explain and maintain health for your self and those you are most important to you.

**************

From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of particular interest. But for us, it’s different. Look again at that dot. That’s here, that’s home, that’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.

The end result was a meeting in which I’m afraid I stunk and the pressure of spending my time in productive way. Riding along the river, I wondered how people managed to fit commuting into their schedules. I tried convincing myself that this was a life-affirming use of my time, but my impatience and slight depression pushed all that needed attending to the forefront of my mind.

I arrived at my last appointment early, ten minutes ’till pick up. Around the corner from my stop was a house with a poetry box. These are big in Portland, but none are on our non-vehicle routes. I picked up the poem and recognized the poet. I read the poem as I am apt; a quick skim with no depth or attempt at teasing meaning out of the verse.

Forced to stand there, in the shade with minutes in front of me without anything I could take action on, I slowed and allow the poem to unfold.

Now I am a bit shameful, as this is not a complex poem. But in my skim/move on/understand/analyze contradictory nature, it is unusual for me to sit with any murkiness.

See: Infinite Jest.  With study guide.

So thank you, people who live around the corner of the people who I happen to be connected with due to a connection with someone who I know because of the internet. Thank you for not tossing up “Two roads diverged” or the list of internet-ish joke that I later found in a box.

Thank you for this:

When We Convene Again

When we convene again
to understand the world,
the first speaker will again
point silently out the window
at the hillside in its season,
sunlit, under the snow,
and we will nod silently,
and silently stand and go.

Wendell Berry

It’s March in the Pacific Northwest. The cherry trees are in bloom, the daffodils have sprung and the sun is emerging. March is also my birth month, so what better way to celebrate it than by celebrating my power to influence my world?

My challenge to myself and all of you is to regroup, harness your energy and take the world by storm.

This could look like:
making that phone call that you dread
accomplishing one small goal every day
regaining an awareness of your breath and regrounding
fulfilling one need or impulse for health daily
making a choice based on your desires, not your partner’s or child’s
making a food only you enjoy, and savoring it
removing a life detracting relationship from your life

Remember:
This is your life. Not his, or hers or theirs. You can chose to assert your needs or be compliant.

You can breathe and stomp and love and flail and squeeze with all your might; and you should.

Because this is the one you’ve got.

Take it and live it.

I give in to negative self talk. Giving in to my managers happens all of the time, as discussed on Monday. I allow my critic to have undue influence over what I think about, how I interact with the world and how I think about my future.

Because my critic is so ingrained, I often don’t notice when he starts blabbing away. Now that I am unwrapping his tentacles from my brain, it’s obvious how often he is whispering at me. That’s the bad news. The good news is that now I have the opportunity to dispute him.

Does this resonate with anyone else? Do you give in to things that just drag you down? How do you hold strong in your centered, grounded place? Your Self?

Managers protect, keeping a person in control to keep them from feeling hurt or rejected:
Controller
Judge
Planner
Striver
Self-critical
Passive Pessimist
Caretaker

Firefighters act after exiles are upset to soothe or distract:
Addictions
Binge eating
Suicidal Ideation
Self-harm
Violence
Dissociation
Distraction
Obsession
Compulsion
Fantasy

Exiles hold painful emotions that have been isolated for the protection of the system:
Rage
Dependency
Shame
Fear
Terror
Grief, loss
Loneliness

The Self is the core or center of a person. Is the leader and is:
Calm
Curious
Compassionate
Connected
Confident
Creative
Courageous
Clear

In my head I began to jab at myself, that I had been lazy.  Continuing to jab I told myself I had hidden behind the excuse of “too much” to drop everything.

I noticed this criticism right away and began to fight against it: “I made the conscious choice to step back from conceptualizing four different topics.  I was practicing self-care, and that was deliberate.”

Allowing myself a moment to rest and notice what would occur only gave my critic space to boom back, “YOU DID IT AGAIN, DROPPED THE BALL.  There goes all your momentum.  You’re never going to actually move forward on any of this.  This is like everything you’ve done.”

Whoa.

Did that just happen?  Did I beat myself, my ambition and my enthusiasm to the ground.  And then spit on myself?  Why?

According to Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory one of my managers jumped out to protect me.  How does that make sense?  Why would a manager (sounds like a good thing to have, someone to manage and take care of you) throw me under a bus like that?  Well, managers are protectors.  They keep a person from hurting himself, even if it at the expense of one’s creativity or drive.  Managers are not interested thriving or making life-affirming choices.  Nope, they are all about the nitty-gritty, getting you through life without too much pain.

What or who are the managers protecting us from?  Our exiles.  Exiles are the parts of us that were chronically shamed, abused, frightened or helpless.  In order to maintain internal and external harmony, managers lock those experiences/selves away.  Exiles are young and do not have adult strengths to cope with trauma, managers fear if we relived those experiences we may become flooded, re-traumatized.  Managers keep the exiles at bay by care-taking for others, being a perfectionist, excessive worrying or being a harsh judge of our character in order to maintain distance in relationships.

So you’ve read this far, and you’re probably thinking I’m going to say we all have multiple personality disorder.  That’s not where I’m going.  Think about a time when part of you wanted to do something risky, perhaps travel abroad with no job secured for your return.  Another part of you insisted you stick around town in case your internship that you liked well enough liked you well enough to offer you a position.  Or how about having a specific way of acting and thinking at work and another lounging around with your friends?  That’s what we’re talking about – parts work.  Freud started the idea of parts work with his id, ego and super ego.  Jung expanded on it, and IFS is taking it from a different angle.

And what happens when the managers let down their guard and the exiles become activated?  The firefighters emerge, swooping in to quiet the exile.  Initially they try mild forms of putting out the fire.  If that doesn’t work, they go all out to distract our self from the exile: binge behaviors (drinking, drug use, eating, cutting, purging), reading or watching tv for escape, over working, rage, suicidal thought or actions.  The differences between firefighters and managers are the former  are extreme and impulsive and the latter are more measured.  However, they are both are trying to protect us from our exiles.

In addition, we all have a Self.  This is our older, wiser whole being, generally masked by the managers, exiles and firefighters.  Few people allow their Self to lead, and instead allow managers to dictate our behaviors.  When the Self leads we are compassionate, confident, have perspective and acceptance.

We can trust our real Self to guide us in this life, but the managers and exiles know this.  Taking energy to remain present when we’re feeling flooded and meditating to quiet managers can allow our exiles to peek out safely and our Self to lead.   This work can lead to letting go of negative self-talk or identifications, freeing us up to a life of happiness and connection.  Identifying when a manager takes over, recognizing when a firefighter distracts us from pain, and allowing exiles to speak can facilitate harmony with our Self, leading to a more aware and purposeful life.

So what does this mean for how we live our lives?  In one way it can help to sort out why we react strongly to seemingly benign stimulus.   When that critic creeps in, I have more power to challenge him as I can turn my focus on figuring out what my manager is trying to protect me from.  A fair and balanced assessment of myself is welcome,  the knocking myself down is less helpful.  When we allow our self to lead we are curious, calm, compassionate, courageous, confident, clear, creative, and connected.

When are you leading with your Self?  In your career, in your relationships?  What do you think of parts work? Does it sound like hooey?  Can you get behind pieces of it?

I decided not 20 minutes ago that Positivity is making its way back to the library because it was not making me positive at all.  I consumed Learned Optimism, I dread picking up Positivity each night.  Of course the topic is still intriguing to me, but Fredrickson was driving me mad by referencing her importance in the field.  It’s one thing to establish your credentials, it’s another to knock me over the head with how groundbreaking your research is. I fully own that this my be an issue unique to me.

Unfortunately, I suspect there are gems hidden in the grandiose prose, and I will have to return to the book at some point.

Here’s where the “too much” comes in.  The Artist’s Way is a bulky program, one I would like to stick with.  In the past few weeks I have been sparked and am hopping like mad to run with this energy.  Identifying my goals for the foreseeable future transitioned me slightly from optimism research into grappling with trying to measure my actions and intentions on a “life affirming” measuring stick.

This has professional and personal implications.  These ripples in my life are full of energy and so very positive, and yet the 98 things to do that match the 98 birds in this photo are draining and dividing.

So I’m starting to pare down my ideas.  In order to gain clarity on any one, fewer can be rattling around my head.  What a wonderful problem to have: too many wonderful thoughts, theories, concepts.  How did I ever get so lucky as to have so many wonderful teachers and inspirations?

Instead of consuming, acquiring and hoarding inspiration, I’m going to go slowly, honor what I’m learning.  Isn’t that what being present is really about?

Teach me, friends.  How do you slow down?  What does enough turn into too much?  Can you quiet your mind and focus your intentions?

With all things in life we choice, choice to take action or to be idle, choice in how we react or what we allow to be without reaction.  Not control, of course, but choice.

We may chose to notice our reactions or react as if triggered, blind and like a pinball, at the mercy of who-knows-what.  We have choice in attending to those reactions or noticing and accepting.

My journey is still young enough that I am at times ignorant to my reactions, what drives me this way instead of that.  What an uncomfortable shock it is to become aware of the self-talk that plays in our heads.  What a surprise it is to realize that instead of acting with purpose we’re reacting outside our awareness.

So my purpose, here, is to reflect, gain understanding and clarity on these full-life topics and allow this to be the road I’m on, without clinging to an outcome.  This un-plan sounds like a good plan.

Mrs. Kennedy doesn’t update much, but she’s always worth your time.

“Giving In” has so many nuances, but that’s another five posts for another week.