On Sorting Our Selves Out

Today I was sitting around, waiting for an event to occur.  Killing time, my mind wandered.  I began thinking about how over the past few days I hadn’t attended to those things that had excited me.

In my head I began to jab at myself, that I had been lazy.  Continuing to jab I told myself I had hidden behind the excuse of “too much” to drop everything.

I noticed this criticism right away and began to fight against it: “I made the conscious choice to step back from conceptualizing four different topics.  I was practicing self-care, and that was deliberate.”

Allowing myself a moment to rest and notice what would occur only gave my critic space to boom back, “YOU DID IT AGAIN, DROPPED THE BALL.  There goes all your momentum.  You’re never going to actually move forward on any of this.  This is like everything you’ve done.”

Whoa.

Did that just happen?  Did I beat myself, my ambition and my enthusiasm to the ground.  And then spit on myself?  Why?

According to Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory one of my managers jumped out to protect me.  How does that make sense?  Why would a manager (sounds like a good thing to have, someone to manage and take care of you) throw me under a bus like that?  Well, managers are protectors.  They keep a person from hurting himself, even if it at the expense of one’s creativity or drive.  Managers are not interested thriving or making life-affirming choices.  Nope, they are all about the nitty-gritty, getting you through life without too much pain.

What or who are the managers protecting us from?  Our exiles.  Exiles are the parts of us that were chronically shamed, abused, frightened or helpless.  In order to maintain internal and external harmony, managers lock those experiences/selves away.  Exiles are young and do not have adult strengths to cope with trauma, managers fear if we relived those experiences we may become flooded, re-traumatized.  Managers keep the exiles at bay by care-taking for others, being a perfectionist, excessive worrying or being a harsh judge of our character in order to maintain distance in relationships.

So you’ve read this far, and you’re probably thinking I’m going to say we all have multiple personality disorder.  That’s not where I’m going.  Think about a time when part of you wanted to do something risky, perhaps travel abroad with no job secured for your return.  Another part of you insisted you stick around town in case your internship that you liked well enough liked you well enough to offer you a position.  Or how about having a specific way of acting and thinking at work and another lounging around with your friends?  That’s what we’re talking about – parts work.  Freud started the idea of parts work with his id, ego and super ego.  Jung expanded on it, and IFS is taking it from a different angle.

And what happens when the managers let down their guard and the exiles become activated?  The firefighters emerge, swooping in to quiet the exile.  Initially they try mild forms of putting out the fire.  If that doesn’t work, they go all out to distract our self from the exile: binge behaviors (drinking, drug use, eating, cutting, purging), reading or watching tv for escape, over working, rage, suicidal thought or actions.  The differences between firefighters and managers are the former  are extreme and impulsive and the latter are more measured.  However, they are both are trying to protect us from our exiles.

In addition, we all have a Self.  This is our older, wiser whole being, generally masked by the managers, exiles and firefighters.  Few people allow their Self to lead, and instead allow managers to dictate our behaviors.  When the Self leads we are compassionate, confident, have perspective and acceptance.

We can trust our real Self to guide us in this life, but the managers and exiles know this.  Taking energy to remain present when we’re feeling flooded and meditating to quiet managers can allow our exiles to peek out safely and our Self to lead.   This work can lead to letting go of negative self-talk or identifications, freeing us up to a life of happiness and connection.  Identifying when a manager takes over, recognizing when a firefighter distracts us from pain, and allowing exiles to speak can facilitate harmony with our Self, leading to a more aware and purposeful life.

So what does this mean for how we live our lives?  In one way it can help to sort out why we react strongly to seemingly benign stimulus.   When that critic creeps in, I have more power to challenge him as I can turn my focus on figuring out what my manager is trying to protect me from.  A fair and balanced assessment of myself is welcome,  the knocking myself down is less helpful.  When we allow our self to lead we are curious, calm, compassionate, courageous, confident, clear, creative, and connected.

When are you leading with your Self?  In your career, in your relationships?  What do you think of parts work? Does it sound like hooey?  Can you get behind pieces of it?

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